American Beauty

Sometimes I feel like everything I work for and strive to achieve in life is just a complete waste of time. Why do we do the things we do.. I look around and I am seeing people's work, their achievements, the love they put into the things they have created, but what's it all for? Like in my blog feed just saw a thumbnail of a photoshoot which looked pretty good... why are they doing that? Why am I doing this.. Why do we set goals and spend our lives trying to reach them, aspiring to be things, wanting to make a difference, or not? What is a family, why do I feel like I do not have one, nor a home anymore, why do I feel like when I look around at other families it's just one huge lie they are living, and furthermore, why do I know it to be the truth yet they fail to see it. Furthermore, why do I not care that my family know this website address and will read what I am saying. Why do I have no fear, why do I not care? You know those little moments you get now and then that just make you feel alive, they aren't anything special at all, they just come along randomly out of the blue while you're doing something completely normal, they just hit you, it could be anything, today it was looking out of my window up at the concrete-covered sky, watching the trees blowing in the wind with rain pouring down, I felt so connected, like everything in life I do 99.99% of the time on a daily basis is just a complete waste. That all my efforts of trying to make the world a better place for everybody to live in, all my dreams, hopes, aspirations, everything, are just meaningless. People don't even understand positivity, I can imagine people reading this thinking I'm a depressed little fuck, well surprise I am actually very happy and content right now. I just wonder if I am 'bopping along' like all the people I look around and see bopping along which I hate so much, when I strive so hard not to become like them, and whether there is any point in it in the first place. The absolute best moment in my life was dancing on a beach with a past lover in the middle of the night pouring down with rain absolutely freezing, and I did absolutely nothing to achieve that. I could have died. And here I am, striving for a career in music, working my ass off, as everyone seems to be doing in their careers and lives, putting myself through so much shit on a daily basis, and for what? Is it really worth it? Probably not.